“Two and a Half Men’s” Charlie Sheen-less season premiere will kick off in September with Alan and Jake acknowledging his character Charlie Harper’s untimely death. TMZ says:

Producers have been kicking around scenarios, which include Charlie driving a car over a cliff.

As for how Ashton Kutcher enters the picture, there’s been talk that he buys Charlie’s house after Charlie kicks the bucket.

Sources connected [say] Chuck Lorre’s plan is to make sure Charlie Sheen can NEVER come back on the show.

I’m not sure how Chuck Lorre thinks killing off Charlie Harper will make it so Sheen can never return to the show, unless he’s never heard of dream sequences, functional magic, advanced alien races with life-restoring powers, alternate dimensions, applied phlebotinum, deus ex machinas or Jesus. See “Dallas,” “Star Trek: Voyager,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “Doctor Who,” “Heroes,” “Stargate SG-1,” “Smallville,” “24,” “The X-Files,” every soap opera ever known to man and the Bible for details.